Lost
by platarozaluna
Summary: Is it possible to lose a lover you never had? When Elliot leaves SVU,Olivia knows that she can't just let him go and embarks on a journey through his mysterious past to try and bring him back to her. "Be my friend  Hold me, wrap me up...and breathe me."
1. Chapter 1: Prologue

**Redeeming Elliot: Prologue**

**A/N: I've been kind of absent from the Internet recently, as I've been crazy busy with school and applying to colleges, but I have not forgotten my stories :) there's another defining broken chapter on its way and it should be up before the week is out :) This little story is in response to the horribly depressing season 13 premiere :( and the season 12 finale  
><strong>  
>It had been a rough few days for the Manhattan Special Victims Unit. Just days ago, Jenny Fox, the daughter of a murder victim came into the SVU Squadroom with a gun and started shooting. She killed the suspects in the holding cells and then shot Sister Peg, a nun known for giving aid to prostitutes and a friend of Olivia's. Elliot was forced to shoot her when she turned her gun on the SVU detectives. She knew it tore him up to do it. They sat on the roof for a long time that night-there were no words to be said. They just needed each other. They'd fallen asleep in the cribs, wrapped safely in each other's arms, each drawing some faint comfort from the other. Cragen didn't even bother to say anything, probably knowing IAB was going to be all over them for the deaths come morning. Elliot didn't say a thing all night. There was nothing Olivia could say or do to make this right. Nothing to assuage his pain. He'd shot a high school girl dead. Sister Peg was gone because their security system was a piece of shit. Nothing was going to change that. "It'll be okay, El. We'll get through this. It'll be okay," she whispered over and over in his ear.<p>

"Olivia? If you've had any contact with Elliot, I need to know. IAB wants a thorough investigation, but if he shows he has a much better chance of being allowed to come back to SVU...Olivia?" She wasn't listening. For the first time in 12 years, she had absolutely no idea where Elliot was. He wasn't home and wasn't answering his phone. He'd left in the middle of the night after the shooting and Olivia woke up alone in the cribs. It'd been three days. Fin said not to worry...Elliot wouldn't eat his gun. He was stronger than that...but was he?

**Review if you want to read a story about Olivia's quest (teamed up with Jo Marlowe and Dani Beck, of course) to find Elliot and bring him back to SVU. I'm going to try to update some of my old things tonight-at least, my SVU stories. But yeah, I'm still alive and writing :D Sorry this was so short.**


	2. Chapter 2: Breathe Me

**Lost Chapter 1: Breathe Me**

Can you lose a lover you never had?

_Help, I have done it again  
>I have been here many times before<br>Hurt myself again today  
>And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame<br>_  
>1 month ago...<br>***She moved in a haze through the precinct, not seeing anything but Sonya lying there. Dead, but still warm-eyes staring up at something unseen. She should have done something. Sonya would still be alive if she'd acted faster. She wasn't paying attention and walked into a hard surface, but suddenly, strong arms were around her, rocking her gently back and forth and stroking her hair. She choked on a sob and let the tears fall into his shoulder as she breathed in that scent.

"I should never have left you, Liv, but I'm here now. I'm here and I'm sorry," he whispered and pulled her closer. She wanted to remain in those arms forever, and as she slowly uncoiled herself from her haven, her body screamed at her not to. But she had to give her statement. She had to face IAB. She cast her curly hair in her face so he wouldn't see her tears and she lightly cupped his cheek in her hand.

"I'm so glad you're back," she murmured and forced herself to hold in her next wave of tears until she was out of the squadroom.

"Liv...what separates us from our victims is that we can walk away..."

Walk away.  
>Walk away.<p>

She looked up at him sadly. "No, I can't."

Walk away.  
>We can walk away.<br>Walk away...****

_Be my friend  
>Hold me, wrap me up<br>Unfold me  
>I am small<br>I'm needy  
>Warm me up<br>And breathe me  
><em> 

"Elliot cleaned out his locker and submitted his resignation papers. He's gone." Olivia's brain wasn't processing what he'd just said.

"No...he isn't gone. If he were gone, he'd have said goodbye. Said goodbye to me. He took a few days off," she replied quickly, almost pleadingly. He wasn't gone. He'd walked out on their partnership before, but he'd never walk out on SVU. 

"Elliot's not coming back. It's time to let him go and you can start by packing up his desk. We're not keeping it as a shrine." Olivia barely heard her captain's words. She couldn't just pack up his things! What if he came back? No...there was no if. He would come back. Or she wouldn't be able to handle it. He'd said he wouldn't leave her again.

Olivia sighed and got up, thinking that if she didn't answer, maybe she wouldn't have to do it. Although if anyone did...it should be her, she reasoned.

"Liv," he growled sternly and she turned back around, careful to keep her posture and tone even, after all, she was fine.

"Yes, Captain?"

"Your...new partner should be in later today," he said this carefully as if afraid she was going to freak out. What he didn't seem to realize was that she had every right to.

"How the hell could you do this?"

"Liv I-" He tried to break in, but she cut him off.

"He's been gone five days and you're...already replacing him? Did Elliot even matter to you? No, because we're all expendable, right?" Olivia spat, not caring if he suspended her. She didn't want a new partner. No one could be Elliot. Cragen didn't yell. It was in a way, worse because he looked at her with the saddest eyes she'd ever seen on him.

"You and Elliot were the best team I ever had in this unit. We're not going to have that again and I don't expect you to jump at the chance to have this new guy sitting at the desk across from yours, but we're short staffed and besides that, we all need to start moving on. Your pain isn't going to go away over night, but you can't let your victims suffer because you aren't focused. Now, please give Nick and Amanda a chance. He wouldn't want you to lose yourself." She knew he was trying to remind her to do her job in as gentle a manner as he could, but she felt herself getting angry again-dangerously close to boiling over.

"What, am I running a day care center here now, Captain?" she hissed and locked him in a glare, letting him know that she wasn't going to stand for this three ring circus that was formerly SVU. He didn't stand up, just remained sitting somberly at his desk.

"Elliot trained you and didn't say he was running a day care center. He gave you a chance and our new detectives deserve that same level of respect and professionalism. Liv? It's going to be okay. Really, it'll be okay."

_Ouch I have lost myself again  
>Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,<br>Yeah I think that I might break  
>I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe<em>

  
>Olivia sighed and clutched the cardboard box tightly to her chest. The box that she was about to fill with Elliot's things, as if they were old trash. She started on the files and paperwork from old cases. The impersonal things. It didn't bother her as much because Elliot had always hated paperwork. No, it didn't start to get to her until she started on the pictures. There was one of a younger Elliot with a young Maureen, Elliot and Kathy with Eli on his first birthday, and...in a silver frame, the picture Fin had taken of Elliot and Olivia at the precinct Christmas party last year. She was wearing a red cocktail dress and Elliot an emerald green sweater. Their arms were around each other, her hips resting gently against his side. Olivia traced her bright smile and wondered briefly if she'd ever smile like that-like last year, when her most pressing issue was caring far more than she should for a married man. A drop of water spattered against the glass and she looked around, wondering where it had come from, until she felt the salty liquid brimming around her eyelids. She never cried and wasn't about to now. She needed a hot cup of tea, to curl up in bed...no no...what she needed was Elliot Stabler, her best friend. She imagined that any minute now, he'd walk in complaining about the traffic he'd gotten stuck in. Now, the squadroom seemed empty. She was so lost in her daydreams that she didn't know her new partner was behind her until he tapped her shoulder. She jumped, startled, and turned around.<p>

"Olivia Benson? I'm Nick. Nick Amaro, your new partner." He wasn't terrible. Average height, tan, shaggy dark hair, and dark eyes. He looked like he'd be imposing, but he didn't have Elliot's arms-she couldn't imagine this new guy ever holding her, at least, not like -he- could. Olivia held out her hand for him to shake.

"I'm Detective Benson. Welcome to SVU. I trust you've already heard the spiel about this department, but I'm going to refresh your memory. Want to be a hero, work in armed robbery or emergency response. Want to have glory and big busts, then you belong in Narcotics. If you want dead victims, go to Homicide. In SVU, most of our victims are alive and seeking justice for their pain. When we see dead victims, they're brutally mutilated in ways you can't imagine. Things not even Homicide could handle. This job...is not for the faint of heart," she explained in a hard, firm voice. She reminded herself hauntingly of Elliot on her first day.

"I understand that, Detective," Amaro replied solemnly. At least he knew to take it seriously. Now came the hard part and she forced herself not to visibly flinch. You're stronger than this, she told herself.

"You'll be sitting...here. At this desk," she said shakily. Nick smiled and put his black briefcase down on the desk. On Elliot's desk.

"Look. I'm sorry about your partner. Were you guys close? Must be rough..."he said and Olivia had to remind herself that he was just trying to make conversation, be friendly. He wasn't trying to hurt her.

"Yeah..."she murmured, nodding blankly and looking through him. He smiled warmly at her.

"It's hard now, but it'll be okay," he said and Olivia felt bile rise in her throat. Looking around, she spotted Fin re-entering the bull pen. She turned back to Nick and put a hand on the side of her head.

"Okay, so...you can get settled. Detective Tutuola can answer any questions you have tonight, and...I'll see you in the morning," she said and walked away before he could say anything. 

"Fin. Could you finish up with Nick? I'm not feeling that great, I'm going to leave a little early," she murmured and averted his eyes to avoid that sympathetic glance. But she knew it was there. She knew that he knew that physically, she was fine. She felt a hand close over her shoulder.

"It's going to be okay, Liv," he said, and she just kept walking. Heel-toe. Heel-toe. Shoulders back. Head high. She was getting damn tired of the pity. The "it'll be okay"s. Sure, she would survive, but nothing about this was okay. She sure as hell didn't need their wasted pity.

_Be my friend  
>Hold me, wrap me up<br>Unfold me  
>I am small<br>I'm needy  
>Warm me up<br>And breathe me_

Olivia unlocked her apartment door and slipped inside, not bothering to turn on the light. She wanted to feel alone with her pain. She slipped off her black leather shoes and slumped back against the wall, wrapping her arms around her knees and pulling them close to her.  
>She let her fingers fall over something on the floor-a folded half sheet of paper that had evidently been slid under the door. She picked it up slowly and unfolded it with shaking hands. Somehow she knew.<p>

_" We had a good run, but you will be a great detective on your own. It'll be okay._

_Goodbye, 'Livia_

_-E"  
><em>  
>It was like a damn broke. Right there in her living room where Elliot had once held her, tough as nails Olivia Benson cried and cried.<p>

_Be my friend  
>Hold me, wrap me up<br>Unfold me  
>I am small<br>I'm needy  
>Warm me up<em>

**A/N: Shoot me a review, please and let me know what you think =)**


	3. Chapter 3: 21 Guns

**Lost Chapter 2: 21 Guns**

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews It be chapta time again! I almost hate to admit it, but I kind of like the Nick Amaro character-and Liv is definitely more well suited for a male partner. Rollins annoys me, though...  
><strong>  
><em>Do you know what's worth fighting for?<br>When it's not worth dying for?  
>Does it take your breath away and you feel yourself suffocating?<br>Does the pain weigh out the pride?  
>And you look for a place to hide?<br>Did someone break your heart inside,you're in ruins_

About 11 years ago...

***It was shortly after they'd been partnered up and she was already being stalked by a man who'd gone to prison for a rape he didn't commit. He came out with a vengeance for the cop whose testimony helped put him away.

Elliot frowned and sighed, running a hand frustratedly through his hair. "I didn't tell you about the detail because I knew you'd refuse," he said finally. Olivia continued to stare at him in disbelief.

"Only the rat-squad puts cops on other cops, Elliot, without telling them. I deserve better than that. Especially from you," she hissed sharply in reply. She couldn't remember having ever been so pissed at her partner. He had absolutely no right to do this without telling her-she was a cop, not a child. Elliot sighed again and gave her a sympathetic look that made her want to punch him.

"You've been under a lot of stress lately..." That did it. 

"I've always backed your play!" she exclaimed angrily and started down the front steps into the night.

"And I did what I had to do. The guy's murdered four people, what's to stop him from coming after you, Olivia?" He called after her and she turned around slightly to cast him one last cold look over her shoulder.

"If you can't trust your partner, Elliot, it's time to get a new one."

Get a new one.  
>Get a new one.<br>Get a new one.

Olivia didn't want a new partner, despite how many times she said she did when she was mad at him. She wanted Elliot and no one else. ***

_One, 21 Guns  
>Lay down your arms<br>Give up the fight  
>One, 21 Guns<br>Throw up your arms into the sky  
>You and I ...<br>_  
>She punched the familiar number into the phone and listened to the comforting sound of the dial tone. Somehow, she'd managed to hang on to a faint hope that he'd actually answer and this, she clung to.<p>

"The user you are trying to reach is not available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone." As she heard the monotone, robotic female voice, she realized it would have been too much to ask for his voicemail to have been in his own voice. The voice she desperately needed to hear. She barely waited for the shrill ding before she started talking.

"El...it's me, Liv, but you probably already knew that. Cragen told me today that you turned in your shield and I just wanted to say...that I'm sorry-for anything that ever went wrong in our partnership. I'm sorry I always picked fights with you. I'm sorry if it seemed like I didn't trust you, because ironically, you're the only person I ever trusted. You're the only person that knows about...my family and the way my -father- was. You were so much more than a work partner to me. You were like the protective, nurturing parent I never had. You told me I was worth something—did you know you were the first? You were my confidant and you were...no, -are- my best friend. I still remember when you told me that just because my parents were the way they were didn't mean I would turn out the same way. You said that it's not all about nature and nurture...that I could rise above because nothing is black and white. Did I rise above anything or am I just as screwed up? But I'm getting off topic-I'm supposed to be apologizing, at least, that's how I justified calling you. I'm sorry for the way I acted about Dani. I crossed the line and the things I said were immature and unnecessary, it's just that when I came back and saw her...sitting at my desk and she said "I'm Elliot's partner, Detective Beck," I was...angry. I'd been replaced, you can understand that, right? And then you...were holding her...and kissing her and I couldn't control myself because...in case you haven't noticed, I...no, maybe I shouldn't say anything. I'm sorry I bothered you. Enjoy your retirement, you deserve it. I...I love you," she finished gently, unable to keep her voice free from the emotion that threatened to overtake her completely.  
>She ended the call with a tap, but there was no call to end. She looked at the phone screen where a flashing message was displayed. "Your message could not be saved." And just like that, her world came crashing down again. She'd finally poured her heart out and he wouldn't hear a single word of it.<p>

_When you're at the end of the road  
>And you lost all sense of control<br>And your thoughts have taken their toll  
>When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul<br>Your faith walks on broken glass and the hangover doesn't pass  
>Nothing's ever built to last, you're in ruins<br>_  
>Olivia slowly got up off the floor and gripped the wall with one hand to steady herself. She couldn't see. Could barely breathe. She felt as if she were coming down with the flu and she moved through her apartment in a dazed fog before finally collapsing on the couch so that she wouldn't pass out. Deep breath in and out, in and out. She didn't have enough left in her to cry anymore. It was like her brain shut off and instinct took over. Comfort. She needed comfort…but from where? Warmth. Warmth would bring comfort. She pulled the flannel blanket she kept there around her, kicked it off, and then nestled into it again. She didn't know if she wanted to be warm or cold-hell, she didn't know anything anymore.<p>

_Did you try to live on your own?  
>When you burned down the house and home?<br>Did you stand too close to the fire?  
>Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone<br>When it's time to live and let die  
>And you can't get another try<br>Something inside this heart has died, you're in ruins  
><em>  
>Her cell phone rang, but she didn't know if she had the energy to answer it. It kept ringing and a small part of Olivia's mind reminded her that it -might- be Elliot, though she knew it wasn't. Her desire bested her and she slipped the phone out of her pocket hoping to God that what she saw on the screen was the word "Stabler," but it didn't. Incoming Call from Fin Tutuola. Then from Alex. Then Cragen. Couldn't they see she needed to be alone? Olivia ignored all of them and continued her act of lying on the couch in her dark living room, staring up at the ceiling. Finally, she turned the phone off and tossed it across the room. Only when she heard the battery pop out the back and clatter against the floor did she feel any better-but it didn't last. The loneliness washed over her like a tidal wave.<p>

_One, 21 Guns  
>Lay down your arms<br>Give up the fight  
>One, 21 Guns<br>Throw up your arms into the sky  
>One, 21 Guns<br>Lay down your arms  
>Give up the fight<br>One, 21 Guns  
>Throw up your arms into the sky<br>You and I  
><em>

**A/N: sorry that was a little short-please review and tell me what you think :) Your suggestions are always welcome**


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